Day 3 of my 365 self challenge for 2019!
Mama's babies...gah I love these two with my entire being. We've been sick for the last week or so. And with that comes a lot of snuggles but a lot of stress. Keeping two sick toddlers contained for 7 days has been quite the task let me tell you. In between the quiet times and the sweet love has been persistent coaxing to eat and drink, full fledged screaming tantrums over ear drops and wiping noses, refusing to take a bath, hitting, slapping, kicking and punching fits of rage against taking medicine and passing out mid meal attempt from sheer exhaustion.
I will be the first to tell you that I have wanted nothing more my entire life than to be a mother. But, I am also ok admitting that this chapter in my life is a lot more chaos and whirlwinds of emotional outbursts than I could ever possibly imagine. I have never been in such an angry, hurt, exhausted, scared, lonely and fragile state as I have since becoming a mother…and especially right now as the mother of two sick toddlers.
But there have been cuddles, and loves and oh so many quiet moments of breathing them in and wishing them to stay little. I have been having a hard time these past few months with the notion of this only being a season…to the point where I find myself in mourning some days over what hasn’t even yet come to pass. I wake frequently in the night hoping someone will come crawl in bed because I fear the day they stop doing just that. Because here is the thing…I will restate this…All I have ever wanted in life was to be a mother. And because so, with all of those crazy negative feelings comes so many many more positive ones. My goodness how they bring me Love, Joy, Excitement, Delight, Beauty, Awe, Wonder, Healing, Laughter, Hugs, Kisses, they Humble me, Heal me, Stretch me, Honor me to be their Mother. I am raising, kind, polite, generous, intelligent, brave, sweet, endearing, luminous, lively, Godly, prayerful, independent, empathetic, flourishing young beings. I did that! (Their Father and I that is.)
And I have to remind myself of that when there are fits thrown and feelings hurt…because sometimes in what feels like the heat of it all…that thick feeling of “am I enough?” can suffocate out all of those proud feelings that you are raising good little humans.
A good friend of mine just posted last night a struggle she was having with her kids…and how she will never not apologize to them when needed because though they are small, they are human and deserve that just the same as adults. Oh friend how I agree with you. What she doesn’t know is just the night before I literally went through the exact same battle…almost identical. It made me think…if I just went through a nearly identical situation as a friend in the same city just miles apart, how many other thousands of mom’s are also going through the same thing and how many of them need to hear this:
Girl, it is ok to NOT be ok. We are human and it is human to not be ok sometimes. With all the light that motherhood brings, also comes the dark. We aren’t told or warned that sometimes things get really really dark. We aren’t told or warned how lonely it can be. In this day and time we sit from home and watch other mother’s tell stories on social media of outings and play dates and all the fun and good and beauty and it makes us question what we are doing wrong as to why our lives don’t look the same…but Mama I promise you…that is only their surface that they allow you to see. What you aren’t seeing is how they too struggle and how they too wish that their lives looked more like someone else’s.
We all have room for growth in our parenting. But you have to do you and what works for your little pack. Just know you are NOT alone. If I am out here reading your stories and nodding and throwing my hands in the air screaming, “YES! I’m not alone!” Neither are you!
Motherhood’s grandest is getting unconditional love from this little bitty thing you created. (Which is pretty stinking grand!)
Motherhood’s lowest is feeling like no one else in the world knows what you are going though. (Which is pretty stinking lonely.)
We need to know as Mother’s it is ok to feel both…they are both legitimate feelings.
Sick days with babies bring some of my very low lows…however they also bring me some of my most prophetic moments of clarity when I realize these poor little babies are experiencing everything, the exact same way we as adults do, they just don’t know how to properly deal with it yet. We get sick and know rest is best and hydrate hydrate hydrate. Babies get sick and they can’t process what will happen if they don’t drink, or sleep, or take their meds when their fever is 103.7 and climbing. So they do what is instinctual which is to cling to their provider. They physically lack the vocabulary and mentally lack the problem solving skills it takes to be able to do anything but cry and sometimes just melt down. I have to remind myself how many times in my adult life I would have much rather had a meltdown than face head on whatever the current problem was. So why if we know that, as parents, is it so incredibly frustrating? Maybe it isn’t as much frustration at the situation as it is frustration that your heart is breaking for them? I’m not quite sure but I do know that next round I will do better. I am learning, I am growing and I am finding myself face down on my knees some nights asking God for mercy and forgiveness for my short-comings. And just like that my toddler (or both) crawls into my lap, puts their sweet, tiny little hand on my face, breaths me in and says, “Wuv you Mama.” Gahhhhh…worth it…all my tears, anxiety, panic attacks, inner adult meltdowns that I’m doing it wrong, that I’m not enough, that someone else is doing it better all turns to ash and floats away upon my exhale when I hear those three little words from those tiny little people I made.
…”Wuv you Mama.” There will never be anything sweeter.